TEARS

i looked up,juz wanna to feel the pleasure of brilliant blue sky..really,i feel thanked to HIM cos give me 9A in this trial exam..what make me more happier was when my three best friends also got 9A..thank God!..i was really proud of three of them,perhaps we can be classmate for next year? i really looking forward into dat matter.huhu.

the nice,fresh air made me rembered wat had happened today..i did not expect i would drop any tears today..perhaps my heart was being hurted too much today? i was not very sure...i was very sorry to all of you becoz i can't be a good friend of yours..i had tried to be a perfect friend,but i still failed over and over again..

i was not very keen to make this issue bigger,i juz wanna said what my feeling feel when it was happened..dissappointed,sad or angry,i could not express any one of that feeling..i was confused..really in big confusion..

"awk nk gy mane bnornye?"i kept asking her..hoping her to tell me even a word..

"beritahu jelaw kat dye.."one of they said..actually,there are two of hem..i followed them and asked them..while the others had gone to the 'place'...

"nk gy dapatkan nasihat...etc.."she explained..

woa,wait3...was it just a simple thing like that? so,why are you so keen to hide it from me?i still could not understand..

"dah,bkpe dop ajak pown kitorg? mcm nk rahsiakan je.."i started to lower down my voice,deep in my heart,i was hurted..

"bkn nk pnggirkan awk ber3..tapi,cme .. marah kabow blaker..."she replied...

was it so? i thought we are "GENG!"..shared every sadness or happiness,,together..like siblings..i had reckoned all of you like my own family..how could you...i still could not accept the excuse...why the one that you were not really like also be invited? if the one that you doesn't like also being invited,who i was for you guys? a foe?

i could hardly hide my feeling that time..it was more obviously seen when i dropped my tears down..both of them seemed aghast,to look me cried..perhaps they didn't expect i would be very sensitive in this matter...well,i was..

"jgan gini!! bkn kite xmau ajak tapi g2 arr...etc"she repeated all over again...she looked a little bit worried..

"sye ingat kte nie cm kawn rapat...sedih ker,hepy ker,kite sharing2 laker..."my friend finally speaked..

"xper laa..awk gy laa..etg lewat lowp...gy arr..sye okey.."i tried to lie,though my tears rolling down even faster...

they said sorry,and went to the 'place'...when they back to the class,they didn't even speak to me..an apologise didn't seemed will be expressed..that time,when they just ignored my feeling,i felt that i was not the one of them...i felt like i was like a stone,a things dat had no feeling after all...one of them came,said sorry to me at last..i dropped my tears again..what suprised me,she also cried...evrybody was near to her,and tried to calm her down..while i who was the first dropped my tears,my own bestfriends didn't calm me down like they did it to her...of course i was sad and touched...

i kept myself quiet...i extremely touched for what had happened...when i was back home,when i thought it again,i cried alone in my room..even to my bff,i could not express that such feeling..when i was typing right now,my tears kept dropping...i didn't know how to face them again...i tried to smile,but when i do that,i felt like i was lying to myself,making me crying alone again...

i really loved them ..i really wanted to be a part from them..but if they refused,i could not do nothing...dear friends,i don't want to loose anyone again like the past..i tried every single way to be good friend..am my effort was useless? i think it is useless...

AKU TETAP AKAN BERTAHAN

kalam kbenaran tiada bdusta..andai ini mmg ujian untukku,maka akanku laluinya dengan setabah mngkin...biarpun aku akan mnangis,aku akan terus berjuang...

biarkanlah dia dgn dunianya...biakan aku dengan duniaku...mngkin itu yg telah tertulis di dalam takdirku..tidak mgapa,aku rela...

mngkin itulah sifat sbenarnya...tiada hujah yg mampu aku cari utk menafikan knyataan itu...andai itu benar,sungguh,aku kecewa dgn knyataan itu...bukan kecewa kerna aku masih ade perasaan itu,tapi kecewa kerna tidak dapat membawa kamu ke jalan yg spatutnya,iaitu jlan ke arah keredhaanNya...maafkan aku...

aku mmg tidak bisa mgubah kamu...harap2 kelak suatu hari nanti akan ada wanita yg bisa membawa kamu ke jalan yg aku maksudkan,sperti syed ahmad hakimi..mngkin bukan ditakdirkan bukan aku yg mampu memimpin kembali kamu ke jalan itu,mngkin orang yang sedang dgosipkan dengan kamu...aku telah insaf dengan kesilapanku yg dahulu,dan tak mngkin akanku ulanginya lagi....aku turut mdoakan diri kamu juga agar tidak jauh dari redhaNya...

mngkin aku sedang berbicara sndirian di blog ini,namun sekurang-kurangnye aku tidak berasa terlalu bslah...bukanlah aku cuba mnunjukkan aku ini manusia yg perfek,tapi aku cuma berasa kesal kerna tidak dapat mmimpin kamu juga ke arah perubahan spertiku...mngkin org yg lebih berhak,mngkin?...

aku cuba mencari keredhaanNya kerna aku tahu,setiap hari yg aku laluui aku pasti ada salah silapnya...aku hnyalah hamba biasa yg mncari keredhaanNya sperti yg len...skrg,aku akan tumpukan pelajaranku shja..kerna aku merasakan aku hnyalah mbuang masa dgn memikirkan rasa bslah itu....andai mmg dia tidak mampu berubah,aku tidak mampu berbuat apa2 lagi...

skrg,aku akan fokuskan pada tujuan asalku masuk ke skola nie...yg len kemudianlah mngkin....mngkin msih mntah utk mmikirkannya...yaa,aku akan berthan!!!!! aku akan berusaha untk kejayaanku itu! Insya Allah..jihad 9A!!

                                                                                                                mics chiyo hana